Especially following a long-term dating relationship moving on can be tough, even if you’re the “leaver” instead of the “left”. Sometimes you enjoy those first few weeks or months of freedom as you join a bunch of online dating sites, before ultimately feeling as though you’ve made a huge mistake, and sometimes you have. But what if making the initial decision to leave someone is like taking a test: usually your first instinct/answer is the right one. It’s human nature to want what we can’t have, but when it comes to people it’s not really fair to make a decision to break someone’s heart and then expect them to be okay when you want to take it back. They move on, and rightfully so. As is true with most areas of relationships and dating there are the occasional exceptions where a couple breaks up and then rekindles their love later on and live happily ever after. Again, that’s an exception. More often than not you’re initial instinct to let a person go was the right one, and relationships born again after previous dating only end up moving in a circle, right back to Single-Ville. Be wary of the fairy tale and avoid Ex Envy. When you see your old flame with someone else resist the temptation to revisit your old relationship and keep moving forward. Remember that your decision was born out of some reasoning, and that while they may appear to be different or you might wish it that way so badly, they’re probably just the same person that you found inadequate in some way the first time around.

Now that’s not to say that I believe it to be easy to leave the one you love, even in the face of unfaithfulness. I can’t even imagine catching my husband cheating and having to leave. But whenever I’ve seen the secondary failure of a relationship following cheating-forgiveness I can’t help but hear the phrase “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me” running through my mind. The ability of a partner to momentarily or for a short time ignore that nagging little voice that says “You should NOT be doing this!!!” is something that I have trouble forgiving. That type of selfishness and blatant disrespect for the other person and their feelings is a sign of things to come in my mind. That being said, while it is not unlikely that a cheater will cheat again, some couples do have success in moving on following infidelity. My suggestion (again, it’s worth what you paid for it) is at a minimum to seek professional therapy. I believe that the odds of a couple making it through such a huge issue as infidelity increase dramatically with the help of a therapist as a third-party perspective can be incredibly helpful in instances such as this. Also, if you can’t find the faith, don’t. It’s not fair to you or them for you to spend the rest of your life terrified to let them out of the house unsupervised. You can’t lock him/her up in the basement until you’re free to tie them to your emotional leash and lead them around for fresh air. Likewise you can’t freak out whenever they are having a conversation with the opposite sex as long as they’re not obviously pursuing a new relationship via online dating! For me this is the reasoning behind my No-Forgiveness cheating policy. I don’t believe that I’d be capable of truly forgiving and forgetting, and I don’t want to live the remainder of my romantic-life out as a crazy, paranoid person.

Of the many principles of Taoism (pronounced dou-iz-uhm), the one that struck me the most was the sort of go-with-the-flow attitude of Taoists. One of the chapters in the book discusses at length how we tend to push against the natural flow of things, be it in nature, life or relationships with others. This got me thinking about how Taoism could be applied to dating. Consider your past relationships: I’m willing to bet that there are one or two people in your Old Flames file that you’d like to forget, people that you look back on and wonder “What was I thinking?!” When we start to feel lonely it’s amazing the people we’ll turn to as a prospective partner, particularly when all we really know aboout them we found on a dating site. Personalities, looks and ideals suddenly become less important and easier to overlook, until one day we discover that all that trying to go-against-the-grain of our emotional and even sexual desires is just fruitless. At first their flaws were acceptable, even seemingly understandable, but suddenly you find that you’re in a relationship that you can’t wait to get out of. Trying to force someone who just isn’t right for you into being you’re “The One” is no different from trying to force a square peg into a round hole. If a person isn’t right for you and you begin to see those signs, just go with the flow and cut them lose. It’s not fair to you or them to keep forcing something that’s not there or hoping that you can mold them into what you want in time. Relationships do require effort and work, but those first few encounters shouldn’t be like taking medicine and waiting for the cure to take. They should be nearly effortless, like floating with the tide of a river.

But of course that’s all dependent on the type and extent of the flirting, isn’t it? There are after all varying degrees. There’s harmless flirting, which I consider to be of no concern whatsoever. Then there’s shameless flirting, which can at times still be pretty harmless, but can quickly evolve into a problem, especially if you join dating sites just to meet single people to make you feel good. Shameless flirting tends to lead to shameless exploration of boundaries, which goes well beyond flirting. That degree of flirting I think should be monitored, not like a banshee, but with a keen observation. Still, I find flirting to be a little necessary for persons in a committed relationship. This should really only be of the harmless variety. I find that knowing that other people out there still find you attractive is empowering and confidence-building. Also that little feeling of danger without overstepping your bounds may keep you from feeling edgy about your commitment level and abate your curiosity for straying. But it should be nothing more than an outlet. Exercising flirting to the next level of intimacy or anything close is a slippery slope to cheating or adultery. If you find yourself regularly fantasizing about a mysterious rendezvous with your flirty friend, it may be time to give it a rest. After all, you should only be flirting with a person, not a boundary, a fantasy and certainly don’t flirt with danger. But if you can keep it innocent and keep yourself in check, I say flirt to your heart’s content.